The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide

The Sex-Starved Marriage will give you and your spouse the inspiration, encouragement, and answers you need.

In contrast to its tabloid title, The Sex-Starved Marriage offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals. Weakened only by a final chapter--one that discloses too many details about the author’s marriage--this perceptive book will inspire couples to add heat and light to their marriage. --Barbara Mackoff

Reviews

Rating: 4 / 5
Date: 2010-08-27
Summary: "Wonderful book, but not a magic potion"

I have struggled for an embarrassingly long time in a sex-starved marriage, so when I saw this book, I felt like my prayers had been answered.

For background: I'm the high libido (HL) spouse and my wife has the low libido (LL). My wife tells me I am still tall, dark and handsome, and I know I am in good shape... but after years of isolation, lack of affection and general neglect, you can't help but question it. I'm still in my 30's and I frequently get appreciative looks from women that walk by, but... it still eats away at my self confidence. It's hard to put it out of my mind, like a dark cloud that follows me. From the book, I understand it is just as heartbreaking for women who are married to LL men. If it helps anyone else feeling this way, you are not alone.

Anyway, as hurt, demoralized and upset as I feel from the constant rejection, I realize this is a problem for couples - not just the one who is feeling unloved. I make no claims of objectivity. This kind of rejection is as personal as it gets. Even so, I was glad to see Dr. Weiner Davis treated both the HL and the LL partners fairly. After trying for years to get through to my wife, I didn't relish reading about what I might be doing to contribute to the problem, but I could see she was trying to walk a difficult line and balance the different points of view.

On the other hand, the author made many sharp observations that LL partners ought to consider. My favorite was when she pointed out the unfairness of a husband or wife knowing and acknowledging their spouse was dying for affection, still choosing *not* to fix what is missing, and still expecting the lonely one to remain faithful. Weiner Davis said that kind of attitude would only lead to infidelity, divorce or both. I believe she is correct on that.

"The Sex Starved Marriage" is a quick read. (Odds are if you are reading this review, you understand how all consuming the loneliness becomes!) If it's constantly on your mind, and you are desperate for relief, you probably could get through the book in one or two sittings. I found the book to be charming, even funny in places, but most of all it made me feel understood. Dr. Weiner Davis understands the pain you are feeling. Most importantly, she offers plenty of real world practical advice, for both the HL and LL spouses.

I was so excited to read such lucid and fair analysis, I bought a copy of the book for my wife and begged her to read it too. (She did, somewhat begrudgingly.) We talked about it, and after finishing it, my wife seemed to finally "get it." Sadly, the impression it made on her wasn't lasting, and as soon as she had come around to it, the understanding evaporated and her old attitudes and behaviors returned.

A couple more years has passed, and the problem remains. Now if I refer back to the book, my wife retorts that she can "find stuff on the internet that agrees with her too." I don't blame the author or the book, of course. The book made a wonderful case for how important *and* urgent it is for couples to work together to find some compromise for their mismatched libidos. But ultimately, the person holding the power (usually the LL partner) needs to have the motivation - and LOVE for his/her spouse - to fix the problem. My wife doesn't feel the urgency, and as long as I'm not complaining, she doesn't even feel like there is a problem. When someone writes a book that can fix that, I'll buy two copies. ;-)

For those of you who know what this feels like, I hope your significant other values you enough to face this issue and fix it. Good luck. This book might help, but it can't perform miracles.

PS: If anyone reading this knows of another book worth trying, or just some advice, please share it.

Rating: 4 / 5
Date: 2010-08-20
Summary: "Great confidence booster! Makes you think about a lot."

I've only just started this book and so far it seems like a pretty normal topic and it makes you feel normal knowing other people need to read books like this. Haha. Highly recommend this book if you are having any marriage issues, or the spark is beginning to dim.

Rating: 5 / 5
Date: 2010-02-12
Summary: "Thank you Michele Weiner Davis"

It's scary how well Michele Weiner Davis knows men. This book saved my marriage from the brink of divorce. Before, my wife refused to even talk about sex. And she was MEAN about rejecting me. I felt utterly unloved. She would say all I ever think about is sex, even though I hardly mentioned sex to her out of fear of her wrath. I ordered the book thinking my wife would have nothing to do with it, but that I might pick up some ideas from it. To my absolute suprise, she agreed to read it with me. Mrs. Davis has an amazing ability to communicate with women about sex in a way that my most sincere, thought out words never could, and from page one! However, this book is targeted as much toward sex starved women as it is for sex starved men. I can only attest to how well it works on relationships where the man is sex starved. Anyway, please buy this book. If I can convince anybody to buy this book, it's the least I can do to say thank you to Michele Weiner Davis for what she has done for my relationship.

Rating: 5 / 5
Date: 2010-02-03
Summary: "A must buy even if you don't have problems"

I highly recommend married couples to read this book, it will help guide your marriage even if you are getting it on a regular. Connection not sex is what I got from the book mainly. Both partners need to understand the needs of each other and enjoy the times they are intimate. I enjoyed it not because I am a man but because I love my wife, value our marriage and the connection that we need to have.

Rating: 5 / 5
Date: 2009-10-23
Summary: "Terrific"

The Sex Starved Marriage is incredibly enlightning. It provides the key to the lock of so many sexual/relationship problems that couples have. The book is frank and serious as well as thoughtful and kind and one feels that it is addressed directly to the heart of the matters that cause real suffering to the ones we really love, our mates. It applys to the non sex-starved marriages as much as the starved ones too! WELL DONE!